


We're Gonna Kill Santa Claus!

by Cosmi_x



Series: No Title [2]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anarchy, Attempted Murder, Borderline crack, Chaos, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dave | Technoblade and Wilbur Soot and TommyInnit are Siblings, Fluff, Gen, Kid Fic, Not Canon Compliant, Sleepy Bois Inc as Family, Sorry Santa Claus, Twins Wilbur Soot & Technoblade, discussing violence and murder like its a normal everyday conversation, his not wrong though, phil thinks the twins are a bit off, sbi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:01:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28288866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cosmi_x/pseuds/Cosmi_x
Summary: It's a fine night in the Watson household, Tommy had fallen asleep without throwing a tantrum, Phil's just about done wrapping up the kids' gifts, and the twins are quiet. Wait. The twins are quiet...Oh no.
Relationships: Technoblade & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), TommyInnit & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot & Phil Watson, Wilbur Soot & Technoblade
Series: No Title [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2068737
Comments: 10
Kudos: 175





	We're Gonna Kill Santa Claus!

**Author's Note:**

> title inspired by danny gonzalez's hit single "I'm Gonna Kill Santa Claus".  
> :)  
> Merry Christmas!
> 
> edit: some changes made to certain phrases because they hold very negative connotation, thank you to a reader that pointed it out!

It’s a fine night in the Watson household, Tommy had fallen asleep without throwing a tantrum, Phil’s just about done wrapping up the kid’s gifts, and the twins are quiet. Wait. The twins are quiet, suspiciously so. Oh no.

With the instinct honed from years of caring for three feral children, Phil Watson dropped the halved wrapped gift and rushed to the kitchen. Why the kitchen? Because that was where the knives were… and the flamethrower… and the rat poison. Don’t get him wrong, the twins were a lovely duo, Wilbur was an energetic and respectful boy and Tech was soft-spoken and stoic, together they somehow made it work. They were lovely kids, they helped with household chores, took turns caring for the youngest, and were well-liked in school. Absolute angels.

However, when they wanted to, they could very easily cause chaos. Hidden behind the facade of cuteness and pureness were two undeniable anarchists. When someone had insulted Tech in school, the next day, the same person came to school with charred hair. And vice versa, when someone had made fun of Wil’s yellow sweater, the offender couldn’t look at a spoon the same way ever again. Theoretically, if the twins were to work together as a cohesive unit, they could very easily bring down the whole town.

With a morbid and shocking amount of knowledge on violence, physical and mental torture, Phil might be sure that Tech’s early morning rant about how “I’ve had it with Santa Claus, I’ve been asking for a netherite sword for years!” could be highly connected to the deathly atmosphere in the kitchen which he has just walked into. Phil swore to God, the twins were human, the way they laughed, the way they behaved, and the occasional slip-up when they betrayed their inner psychopath, all showed signs of perfectly normal human behavior for 10-year-olds.

Sure, they seemed to be rather advanced for their age, but that was a good thing, right? Oh lords, maybe Phil should have paid closer attention to their little morning talk. But who could blame him? They were kids, surely they would not, “Go for his throat when he comes down the chimney.” or “Break his kneecaps if he tries to run!”. Surely, Phil Watson must have misheard whatever his two children were discussing in the morning right? It was probably the lack of his morning coffee that he had misheard the twins. It was not as if they were very vividly discussing and planning the possible assassination of good ol Saint Nicholas.

They were 10. They would not attempt to kill some mythical being because he wouldn’t deliver a boy his very real, and very deadly netherite sword, right? Right?

Oh god, they would.

“Alright, boys I know you’re in here! Come on out and tell me what you’ve been up to, you know Santa won’t come if he knows the kids are still awake!” Phil called out, his voice echoing in the kitchen. The kitchen was clean. Too clean. Almost as if two little gremlins had done something.

Phil scanned around the kitchen, finally noticing two pairs of tiny feet poking out from underneath the tablecloth. Hushed whispers and giggles were exchanged under the table. He sighed fondly walking towards the table and lifted the cloth.

Crouched underneath the table was one Wilbur Soot and his twin brother Technoblade. They both stared at Phil innocently, their bodies huddled together. It tore at Phil’s heartstrings, this was too sweet, diabetically sweet. If Phil were a weaker man, he would have brushed his paranoia off and gave the kids anything they wanted, but Phil Watson had been through this same situation several times. The twins do something bad (probably planning murders), and they give Phil the cutest puppy eyes to get him off their trail.

Phil would proudly like to proudly proclaim that he only fell for it between the range of one to ten times.

“Hi dad.”

“Can I ask why are you two underneath the table? And you know, not in bed like good little kids.”

“It’s a stakeout!”, Wilbur pointed out excitedly “Tech an’ I are gonna camp in the kitchen, an’ when Santa comes we’ll jump him then kil-”. Techno slapped his hand over Wilbur’s mouth, “-kidnap, we’re gonna kidnap him.”

“And why would you want to kidnap dear ol’ Santa Claus?”

“I have many things I would like to discuss with that man. He has a lot of things he needs to answer for.”

Would it be a good time for Phil to break it to the twins that Santa was not real? How bad could they take it?

“Boys, Santa doesn’t-”

“Oh! Oh! Dad! Tech said that if Santa isn’t gonna bring a netherite sword we’re gonna waterboard him!” Wilbur bounced excitedly while Techno nodded, agreeing.

Well, maybe Phil could make exceptions? He did not want to waterboarded. The Watson’s family ‘Santa Claus’ was, big surprise, Phil himself. There were many ethically wrong things he would commit if he ever gave a child a full-fledged weapon as a Christmas gift. It seemed the presents (plastic swords, machetes, and lightsabers just to name a few) Techno received the previous years could not placate his desire for an actual weapon huh?

Phil would not like to die tonight, thank you very much. So, what could he do? He doesn’t condone murder...But maybe if it was fictional? Maybe that would quench the twins’ thirst for bloodshed. And so Phil Watson knelt down and urged his kids out from the table, “Tell you what boys, Santa’s smarter than that, his magic yeah? If he senses danger, even if the danger is hidden away in the kitchen, he won’t show up.” The twins stared at Phil incredulously, they were not buying it. “How about this Tech, I’ll bring you and Wil to your bedroom, tell you a nice bedtime story, and when you good little kids are fast asleep and Santa shows up, I’ll have a nice non-violent conversation with him about that sword okay?”. Please buy it, dear lords.

“But those bedtime stories are so boring.”

“Yeah! Boring! No one dies!”

“Tonight will be a special one, I promise it’ll have everything you boys have ever wanted. Pyromania, anarchy, and extreme violence.”

“Ooo sounds fun! That sounds super fun! Dad! Dad! Let’s go, we want to hear it!”. Thank the lords. Wilbur and Tech dragged Phil into their bedroom, careful not to wake Tommy.

The boys hopped onto their shared bed while Phil sat on the edge. Their eyes were gleaming with hope, bloodshed was coming. Phil Watson apologized to the sky gods, after all, he would be telling a tale definitely not suited for 10-year-olds

~

Phil hoped that the gods would forgive him for whatever he had done tonight. The twins were cuddled together, eyes groggy, and letting out little yawns. “Dad...mmm...that was a nice story, I really liked that part-”, Wilbur let out a big yawn “-mmm that part where the prince got decapitated.” Techno nodded tiredly.

“Well boys it's a once-in-a-lifetime story, and it will never be retold, so best be sure to remember it!”

Wait, you idiot! Don’t tell them to remember it!

“We sure will! We were planning to off Santa when the opportunity arose...mmm...maybe next year.” Holy shit. Maybe Phil really had to get his twins checked.

“Well, now that you boys will be asleep like good children, I’ll be on a stakeout for Santa alright?” Phil slowly shuffled out the room, immediately dimming the lights. He turned around to make sure there were no glowing red eyes. Good. Not demons then. Maybe he was tired because he could hear Techno faintly whisper to Wilbur about how “there’ll be consequences” as Wilbur let out a little giggle.

Fun. Fun. Fun.

Phil Watson now had until the break of dawn to find a way to replicate and not recreate a deadly, beast slaying weapon for his son. Maybe he would really see Santa tonight.

**Author's Note:**

> this is also cross-posted on the DreamSMP amino for the Winter Challenge.  
> I had A LOT of fun writing this lmao, I love chaos twins.


End file.
